Ambivalent about Christmas

I’m having mixed emotions about Christmas.  Don’t judge yet.  It’s not about religion whatsoever.  I’m just torn between being happy and sad during this season. 

First, whenever I see Christmas lights and decors, I feel happy.  It’s like the child in me has awakened.  However, I feel nostalgic.  Feeling like a child for me might also means remembering my childhood days.  The large portion of childhood memories includes your parents and grandparents in it.  That’s the time I will remember my late dad and grandmom and become sad.  Realizing my mom has aged a lot saddened me as well.

Second, knowing month of December is already fast approaching, I feel excited.  Happy because it’s the month where company usually gives 13^th month pay and bonuses.  However, during budgeting or making allotments on what you’ve received, dividing it into portions for paying debts, shopping for new shoes and clothes (pamasko) for me and family, gifts (money or in kind) for inaanak, food preparation (handa) for Noche Buena and Media Noche, house renovation, investment, leisure, etc., sadness might embark without realizing it especially if you’re only receiving not so great in amount.

Third, Christmas season is a time of reunions and gatherings.  I’m happy being reunited with friends in college and celebrating with other circle of friends and few relatives.  But as I age, I found that these circles are getting smaller.  Way back when I was a child until college, we used to have reunions every January 1.  I was happy seeing my lola, uncles, aunts, cousins, nephews, and nieces.  But at present and since my lola had passed away, we no longer meet thru reunions.  We only see one or few at a time.  Some of the relatives are working or residing in other countries, others like two of my aunts and a cousin are already gone in this world.  With regard to college friends, only few as well who are willing to meet or see you.  It’s either due to money constraint or family matters. 

Fourth, the cold weather makes me happy and sad at the same time.  I love the cold weather.  I think of going to Tagaytay and Baguio during this time.  Changing of season or weather, from Habagat to Amihan, or from rainy to little or no rainfall at all is a blissful feeling for me.  But there is something about the coldness that makes me sad.  You and I might find it weird.  Don’t get me wrong, I’m not single or belong to “samahan ng malalamig ang Pasko”, I just feel gloomy.  Or, maybe I’m just afraid of the idea of being alone on Christmas.

Okay, that’s all.  Enough of the sadness.  I almost forgot, sadness was not mentioned in the blog description of this blogsite but rather happiness, etc.  Anyway, happiness is a choice.  Reality bites but acceptance, forgiveness and understanding calm the mind and soul.

Advance Merry Christmas and Happy New Year!